Having a reliable babysitter is critical for your marriage when your child has disabilities
Parents of kids without disabilities know that the lack of sleep and the worries about day to day safety will be over soon enough, and this knowledge alone gives them the fuel to keep going until their kids are for all intensive purposes, self-sufficient. For special needs parents, it isn’t so simple.

That’s why remaining connected to your spouse, the one person who shares the day to day challenges and triumphs of raising your child, is crucial. That kind of real connection is only possible when there is distance between you and the daily grind – a defined space and time that’s just for your marriage. It goes way beyond a regular ‘date night’.

A babysitter is a key element of maintaining your marriage when you’re a special needs parent.

You need to have enough trust in this person that you can leave your child in their care and then put your child’s needs out of your mind, just for a while, so that you can devote time to listening to and connecting with your spouse.

I understand that the thought of leaving your child in someone else’s care might feel overwhelming
Many parents struggle with this. For the sake of your personal well-being, and for the sake of your marriage, I urge you to spend some time reconciling your guilt and unrest. Maybe you can do this alone, but if you need a professional listener to help you sort through your internal struggle, please seek out a counsellor to help you get to where you want to be.

Where to look
OK, you’ve decided that you’re ready to find a babysitter…now how do you find them?!

In South Africa, it is a field that is sorely lacking. However, I did find a few places that could possibly help:

Lopez Counselling Services (Ekhuruleni/East Rand)

Web: www.lopezcounselling.co.za

Email: bookings@lopezcounselling.co.za

We can help!

Carers on Call (Gauteng)

Web: https://carersoncall.co.za

Email: info@carersoncall.co.za

Tel: 063 936 2588 | 080 012 7540

Child Care SA (All areas)

Web: http://www.childcaresa.com

Speak to your Church Pastor. A congregation member might be able to assist, they just don’t advertise.

Your child’s school (perhaps a former teacher or aid familiar with your child’s disability, might be interested in earning some extra babysitting money).

Local university departments specializing in disabilities. They might have access to resources not public.

Hospitals (nurses and certified nursing assistant’s can be fantastic babysitters if your child has complex medical needs).

Other special needs families (maybe an older sibling of your child’s classmate would be interested, or maybe they can recommend a babysitter they’ve used in the past)

Asking other people who interact well with your child. Maybe this is a Special Olympics coach, but maybe it’s the bagger at the grocery store who just seems to ‘get’ your child.

Of course, you should always thoroughly investigate any potential babysitters.

Once you’ve found a babysitter, set them up for success
Depending on your child’s needs, it may be helpful to hire the babysitter as a ‘parent’s helper’ a few times. This way, you can both become comfortable with them caring for your child while you’re still available to answer questions and model any behavioural interventions or medical routines that are complicated.

The trick here, of course, is to allow the babysitter time and space to handle any difficult issues that come up without stepping in and solving the problem yourself. Be strict with yourself; tell the babysitter that you’re only going to intervene if they explicitly ask you to, and hold yourself to this.

Even if you do this and they seem very comfortable and competent, you should still set your babysitter up for success when they come to babysit solo.

Print out:

Schedules/routines

Medication instructions, including allergies

Behavioural/communication strategies

Emergency/medical contacts

Tips for using household appliances/safety features (such as door alarms)

A detailed ‘call me if’ list (this will obviously vary child to child, but it might be “Call me if my child: cries for more than 20 minutes or has more than 2 seizures or if they begin head banging”)

Other tips:

If your child is prone to bolting in times of discomfort, ensure that they’re wearing a safety ID or anything that can identify them and where they live.

One strategy that I learned from a seasoned special needs babysitter that I LOVE is to have the babysitter bring your child a ‘gift’ that is actually a favourite toy of the child’s wrapped for them to ‘open’ that they can then play with together.

Especially in the beginning, timing is key. While evening hours may be best for a date, if your child’s bedtime routine is especially difficult for them, maybe you and your spouse can enjoy a few breakfast dates, so that your babysitter has the benefit of caring for your child during a time of day when they’re less prone to meltdown. Perhaps you can even coordinate for your child and the sitter to watch a movie in one theatre while you and your spouse take in another movie down the hall.

As with everything else, it may not look typical or how you expected it to at first. Try to have patience, and know that the more you commit to making real time for connection with your spouse, the easier it will become for your whole family over time.

The most important thing about hiring a special needs babysitter
You must trust your sitter. If you’re going to truly use this time to recharge and foster intimacy with your spouse, then it’s so, so important that you be able to leave your child and trust that they will be well cared for. This will probably not be easy (or even possible!) the first time you leave your child with a new sitter.

Just try to keep this ‘why’ in your mind, and commit to continuing to make this time for your marriage. There will be mishaps along the way. Accept them now; it will make it so much easier to deal with them when they inevitably happen! Know that this doesn’t mean that you, or your child, or the sitter have failed. It’s just a part of the process of building trust in another caregiver, and of allowing yourself time with your spouse that isn’t clouded by worry about your child.

For so many couples, I have seen that finding a babysitter they trust is the first step to rebuilding their marriage after having a child with special needs.

Courtesy http://www.reifpsychservices.com